It's All About Beginnings

When I was younger there was nothing I hated more than a bully. nada

I was taught that if you could do something nice for someone why wouldn't you?

You don't need a foundation of pain to step yourself up.

You need love or at least respect.

Beauty is emphasized when grace and love is apparent.

Don't ever assume you are in the right.

Don't ever think you have the only answer.

Don't ever take anyone for granted.

I believe that children are wonderful because they almost have a better sense of what's right and wrong than those who are older and "wiser".

Why can't we go back to that stage of wonder and hope. Why can't we have snack time? And play time? And have a constant underlying theme of team work and sharing? It seems like we need those things now more than ever.

Have you ever seen those posters "Everything I needed to know in life I learned in Kindergarden"? Most brilliant thing I've ever seen next to "When life gives you lemons paint that shit gold" (actual bumper sticker I saw just the other day!)

Lets all go back to nap time.

Seriously I don't get nearly enough sleep. I need to close my eyes and let the world pass me by for more than a couple of hours a night. There's only so many pills for headaches

only so many energy bars to keep me awake

only so many protein shakes to help me make it through athletics

only so many vitamins to boost my failing and tired immune system

only so many ice packs to ease the pain that leaks from my brain

into my eyes

and slides down the sides of my face into my jaw

into my neck

no matter how many times I pop it trying to release the tension

into my back and shoulders

proving to me I'm only human.

Damn...

Do kids feel pain?

I once got my hand smashed in a car door when I was 4 years old. My mother couldn't believe what she had done to her poor baby. You could practically see my blood vessels bursting with agony

my hand as swollen as a water balloon on steroids

The next day my mother looked at my hand to find nothing wrong with it. NADA

My baby fingers expelled every bit of hurt out within 24 hours of the assault on my hand.

It's all about the beginning. You have to make it through to get to the end. There were plenty of times I hated my situation whether

social

domestic

rebellious

ambitious

courageous

theatrical

powerful

temptational

It didn't matter. I just thought of what was on the other side whether

exceptional joy

complications

patterns of wealth and justice

signs that things are looking a direction

waited for me.

Take me threw it. I won't go around.

Doesn't take a bully to push me threw.

Doesn't take a bully to stop me.

I just wish things were right again.

Correct answers

Nada wrong

Lucid Dream

I never knew it was anything special to have a lucid dream. I admit the definition of one sounds like something out of the movie Inception, but I can't believe that people actually buy books on the subject. Have our lives become so intolerable that we can no longer slip into the cracks of social networking sites and texts? Now we have to escape from reality altogether, I guess.

I don't sleep very well and therefore I don't really dream, but when I do it isn't all that interesting. Sometimes I wake up in a house that isn't mine only to realize I'm not really awake. My room is empty, but the rest of the house is filled. Every table top and every chair and every pillow is covered in trinkets. Laying around me are kinetic sculptures that don't move. There are indestructible plants. I'm automatically bored.

I know I'm not awake because I can hear reality through the walls. Sometimes I can see my neighbors christmas lights through my sleep stapled eye lids. Sometimes I can hear my parents talking. Its really comforting to know that they say the same things, in the same voice when I'm not around.

It's hard to wake up from a dream you know you're having. It's hard not to think when you're all alone. The mind doesn't have an off switch. If everything were glued to the walls you would begin to think too much too. If contemplation were your only pass time could you survive?

I'm walking through that house and I start to switch my focus away from where I want to be to where I am. Block out the sound on the other sides of the walls and you start to hear the walls themselves. Look around you and suddenly things don't bore. I'm barefoot, but I can feel my mother's shoes in the closet that isn't hers. My back doesn't hurt, but I'm pregnant. That alone makes it worth not being awake enough to feel the constant strain on my back. I can still feel the weight in my shoulders. I must be sleeping on my side. I realize that I never want to feel the weight. I never want to be my parents. I don't want to let someone I was supposed to love down. If they don't need me, I won't need them.

I realize that this is me.

Childhood for me was about learning. I wanted to know everything so I would never have to reach out. It was a lucid dream I wanted to stay in.

I'm suddenly comforted by the nothing around me. If all you have is contemplation, you've got nothing to lose.

Because having nothing means there's nothing to bother you. Nada

I Need A New Escape

Walking out of my house isn't as easy as it sounds. I need a plan. I need a ride. I need an explanation.

I've got Nada.

Alright alright

calm down calm down

I'm sending out three S.O.S's Lets see whose my savior.

Nada comes my way...

You're being impatient. I know I am. It's all about the logistics. What time is it? 5? Dinner time maybe... 6? still dinner time I think. I take a deep breath and leave my phone sitting in the other room. Good god when did I become this pathetic? Wasn't too long ago I would have never asked for another person's help. It's not about pride. It's about debt. I can't stand to owe anyone.

If my savior feels like it's no biggie, no worries, what are friends for, no pay backs, it was my pleasure, I feel guilty at their brush off. Logically I owe them. I don't want any favors. It would mean that I was incapable of taking care of myself. I know that there will be times nobody can avoid a favor, but hey let's keep it to a minimum shall we?

On the other hand, which happens way more in the practice of real life, my savior will feel elated to have helped a friend-- have them owe a debt. My rents were like that. They always used my moments of weakness against me.

Lets back up yeah?

It started with a hug. From a stranger.

Speaking Of Misery

I'm looking at three plates and I think I might break them. Then they'd be nothing. Nada

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own house? Doesn't make any logical sense mind you, but neither do dreams. My feelings of obscurity among my own family does not, however, take root in my subconscious. I know exactly why I feel like bolting. What would any intruder do, but flee the scene of the crime?

Cops know a perp when they run. I haven't done anything wrong and yet I flee... or rather avoid. I like to think I'm avoiding my dad because I believe he should apologize to me. His behavior was uncalled for and irrational. I did nothing wrong. Nada

What actually runs through my head to make me change my pattern of living is that I'm scared. I'm scared that I was uncalled for. I'm scared of my dad.

I'm looking at this plate and I think it's too soaked. I want to dump it's content on the floor, smash it into the carpet, show it I'm angry. Prove to a hamburger I'm helpless.

I have a logical mind. I know I shouldn't be scared. My parents promised to protect me. They promised me a good life with decent prospects. They promised me they would help me with the things I couldn't do for myself. I know they would never take their support away.

But logically I didn't ask for their help. I didn't say I needed them to do anything. I am capable of filling out forms, of going the speed limit, of calling it like I see it, of standing up for myself. Reasonable actions come naturally to me. It's easy to say "you're wrong" when it's right to. It's easy to write your name when you know how. It's easy to make the right call when you know the consequences of the wrong call. It's not so easy to listen to why you're not in control. You have nothing. Nada.

I believe that for every argument there could have been a discussion. Logically, people are bound to disagree, but why we resort to yelling is beyond me. Nobody in the room is deaf. Nadie.

Today was the last time I will be yelled at.

Today was the last day I will be yelled at for not knowing the answer

or how to help

or where you put the stuff

or not living up to your expectations.

Today was the last day I don't argue back.

My opinions matter because I have just an inch more of experience then I did last year.

My thoughts count because I have just a little more knowledge then I did 2 months ago.

My argument is valid because I'm Right.

We didn't have to argue. You didn't have to get mad. I said I didn't know the answer because I didn't. Logically, you can't know the answer to a math question you don't remember how to solve. I can't remember because it was two years ago I wasn't tested over this material. I won't pass this class because I'm not the one taking it; It's not my responsibility to.

But you won't listen to my explanation because in you're mind you've already won the argument. My mind hasn't even registered that we're arguing yet.

But when it clicks

when the anger sets in

when the tears boil and brim hot around my eyes

I'm going to make you listen. For once in my life, you will hear me and you will listen to me. And I will make every word count.

I look at your empty plate at the dinner table. I look at your empty chair. And I know that you listened.

But why does the silence now kill me? I hear nothing.

Nada

good luck to my baby sister who I know can pass calculus even if it's been to long for me to help her :)

It's Time To End Misery

People are supposed to be logical creatures. We're always saying it's our brains that separate us from the animals-- well that and our thumbs-- and while it's true we're always in search of knowledge, I don't really see why we get the honor of being deemed "logical". I have never observed creatures more disorganized, disgruntled, and disillusioned. Put lemmings aside for a brief moment and I think we're looking at the most ridiculous species of all time. Adults are always worried about money. Even if they're worried about divorce they're really worried about money. Even if they're worried about their kids they're really worried about money. Even if they're worried about sex they're really worried about money. And the ones that don't have it don't need it. Not in this country anyway. Four year olds have cell phones now. I saw a 14 year old with a smart phone glued to her face. I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 18 and it couldn't do anything but dial. So she isn't worried about money. She will be once her parents stop paying. For now she worries about stupider things.

Can everybody stop pretending their lives are so damn important? Think about this:

Your parents get divorced. You're either over 18 or you aren't. If you're over 18 then you're legally an adult. You're off at college or you've got a job.

So get over it. The grief you feel over the dead marriage ends quickly. If you're not out of the house... would you really want her/him to stay? Would you want to look at their faces, frozen in endless misery and hidden desires, every time you sit down for dinner? Would you want them to be pushed together until their arms puncture each other's chest because dislike is telling them to push the other one away?

I said get over it.

think about this:

6 million children under the age of 5 die of starvation a year. It's the oldest lesson that isn't said enough.

Be thankful for what you have.

Don't do it because you settled. Don't do it because you were told. Do it because it's better than being miserable.

How hard is it to just be in a good mood?

Let it go people. Nobody gets out

alive anyway.

It doesn't matter if your parents every loved each other. It matters that they don't now. They don't deserve to be corned just because you don't want to deal. Nobody does. Including them.

It's NADA for the win

Nobody is winning. I often wonder how many stop to consider the nature of their game. Because everybody has a game and nobody is winning.