Speaking Of Misery

I'm looking at three plates and I think I might break them. Then they'd be nothing. Nada

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own house? Doesn't make any logical sense mind you, but neither do dreams. My feelings of obscurity among my own family does not, however, take root in my subconscious. I know exactly why I feel like bolting. What would any intruder do, but flee the scene of the crime?

Cops know a perp when they run. I haven't done anything wrong and yet I flee... or rather avoid. I like to think I'm avoiding my dad because I believe he should apologize to me. His behavior was uncalled for and irrational. I did nothing wrong. Nada

What actually runs through my head to make me change my pattern of living is that I'm scared. I'm scared that I was uncalled for. I'm scared of my dad.

I'm looking at this plate and I think it's too soaked. I want to dump it's content on the floor, smash it into the carpet, show it I'm angry. Prove to a hamburger I'm helpless.

I have a logical mind. I know I shouldn't be scared. My parents promised to protect me. They promised me a good life with decent prospects. They promised me they would help me with the things I couldn't do for myself. I know they would never take their support away.

But logically I didn't ask for their help. I didn't say I needed them to do anything. I am capable of filling out forms, of going the speed limit, of calling it like I see it, of standing up for myself. Reasonable actions come naturally to me. It's easy to say "you're wrong" when it's right to. It's easy to write your name when you know how. It's easy to make the right call when you know the consequences of the wrong call. It's not so easy to listen to why you're not in control. You have nothing. Nada.

I believe that for every argument there could have been a discussion. Logically, people are bound to disagree, but why we resort to yelling is beyond me. Nobody in the room is deaf. Nadie.

Today was the last time I will be yelled at.

Today was the last day I will be yelled at for not knowing the answer

or how to help

or where you put the stuff

or not living up to your expectations.

Today was the last day I don't argue back.

My opinions matter because I have just an inch more of experience then I did last year.

My thoughts count because I have just a little more knowledge then I did 2 months ago.

My argument is valid because I'm Right.

We didn't have to argue. You didn't have to get mad. I said I didn't know the answer because I didn't. Logically, you can't know the answer to a math question you don't remember how to solve. I can't remember because it was two years ago I wasn't tested over this material. I won't pass this class because I'm not the one taking it; It's not my responsibility to.

But you won't listen to my explanation because in you're mind you've already won the argument. My mind hasn't even registered that we're arguing yet.

But when it clicks

when the anger sets in

when the tears boil and brim hot around my eyes

I'm going to make you listen. For once in my life, you will hear me and you will listen to me. And I will make every word count.

I look at your empty plate at the dinner table. I look at your empty chair. And I know that you listened.

But why does the silence now kill me? I hear nothing.

Nada

good luck to my baby sister who I know can pass calculus even if it's been to long for me to help her :)

It's Time To End Misery

People are supposed to be logical creatures. We're always saying it's our brains that separate us from the animals-- well that and our thumbs-- and while it's true we're always in search of knowledge, I don't really see why we get the honor of being deemed "logical". I have never observed creatures more disorganized, disgruntled, and disillusioned. Put lemmings aside for a brief moment and I think we're looking at the most ridiculous species of all time. Adults are always worried about money. Even if they're worried about divorce they're really worried about money. Even if they're worried about their kids they're really worried about money. Even if they're worried about sex they're really worried about money. And the ones that don't have it don't need it. Not in this country anyway. Four year olds have cell phones now. I saw a 14 year old with a smart phone glued to her face. I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 18 and it couldn't do anything but dial. So she isn't worried about money. She will be once her parents stop paying. For now she worries about stupider things.

Can everybody stop pretending their lives are so damn important? Think about this:

Your parents get divorced. You're either over 18 or you aren't. If you're over 18 then you're legally an adult. You're off at college or you've got a job.

So get over it. The grief you feel over the dead marriage ends quickly. If you're not out of the house... would you really want her/him to stay? Would you want to look at their faces, frozen in endless misery and hidden desires, every time you sit down for dinner? Would you want them to be pushed together until their arms puncture each other's chest because dislike is telling them to push the other one away?

I said get over it.

think about this:

6 million children under the age of 5 die of starvation a year. It's the oldest lesson that isn't said enough.

Be thankful for what you have.

Don't do it because you settled. Don't do it because you were told. Do it because it's better than being miserable.

How hard is it to just be in a good mood?

Let it go people. Nobody gets out

alive anyway.

It doesn't matter if your parents every loved each other. It matters that they don't now. They don't deserve to be corned just because you don't want to deal. Nobody does. Including them.

It's NADA for the win

Nobody is winning. I often wonder how many stop to consider the nature of their game. Because everybody has a game and nobody is winning.