Lucid Dream

I never knew it was anything special to have a lucid dream. I admit the definition of one sounds like something out of the movie Inception, but I can't believe that people actually buy books on the subject. Have our lives become so intolerable that we can no longer slip into the cracks of social networking sites and texts? Now we have to escape from reality altogether, I guess.

I don't sleep very well and therefore I don't really dream, but when I do it isn't all that interesting. Sometimes I wake up in a house that isn't mine only to realize I'm not really awake. My room is empty, but the rest of the house is filled. Every table top and every chair and every pillow is covered in trinkets. Laying around me are kinetic sculptures that don't move. There are indestructible plants. I'm automatically bored.

I know I'm not awake because I can hear reality through the walls. Sometimes I can see my neighbors christmas lights through my sleep stapled eye lids. Sometimes I can hear my parents talking. Its really comforting to know that they say the same things, in the same voice when I'm not around.

It's hard to wake up from a dream you know you're having. It's hard not to think when you're all alone. The mind doesn't have an off switch. If everything were glued to the walls you would begin to think too much too. If contemplation were your only pass time could you survive?

I'm walking through that house and I start to switch my focus away from where I want to be to where I am. Block out the sound on the other sides of the walls and you start to hear the walls themselves. Look around you and suddenly things don't bore. I'm barefoot, but I can feel my mother's shoes in the closet that isn't hers. My back doesn't hurt, but I'm pregnant. That alone makes it worth not being awake enough to feel the constant strain on my back. I can still feel the weight in my shoulders. I must be sleeping on my side. I realize that I never want to feel the weight. I never want to be my parents. I don't want to let someone I was supposed to love down. If they don't need me, I won't need them.

I realize that this is me.

Childhood for me was about learning. I wanted to know everything so I would never have to reach out. It was a lucid dream I wanted to stay in.

I'm suddenly comforted by the nothing around me. If all you have is contemplation, you've got nothing to lose.

Because having nothing means there's nothing to bother you. Nada

I Need A New Escape

Walking out of my house isn't as easy as it sounds. I need a plan. I need a ride. I need an explanation.

I've got Nada.

Alright alright

calm down calm down

I'm sending out three S.O.S's Lets see whose my savior.

Nada comes my way...

You're being impatient. I know I am. It's all about the logistics. What time is it? 5? Dinner time maybe... 6? still dinner time I think. I take a deep breath and leave my phone sitting in the other room. Good god when did I become this pathetic? Wasn't too long ago I would have never asked for another person's help. It's not about pride. It's about debt. I can't stand to owe anyone.

If my savior feels like it's no biggie, no worries, what are friends for, no pay backs, it was my pleasure, I feel guilty at their brush off. Logically I owe them. I don't want any favors. It would mean that I was incapable of taking care of myself. I know that there will be times nobody can avoid a favor, but hey let's keep it to a minimum shall we?

On the other hand, which happens way more in the practice of real life, my savior will feel elated to have helped a friend-- have them owe a debt. My rents were like that. They always used my moments of weakness against me.

Lets back up yeah?

It started with a hug. From a stranger.